Nathaniel T. Hughes

Premiering last night on the under side of closed eyelids: All senses turning omnidirectional,  running parallel to waking minds.  Did it say the time is coming? Did it say you've reached familiar ground?

Goodbye: It's something beyond this life, something they all say takes time,  but the fall knows this dark soul by name and illusions of the past insidiously circle back so many times before we die.

A few maple leaves gently fall; It tells a soulful story: Maybe we've never really been standing on solid ground, Maybe we've started life tumbling like a peaceful yellow leaf, And maybe the world is completely upside down And if we really knew we were falling we'd call this life         heaven finally breaking free of the suspension that never felt like home.

Fuck you Mars. And I really mean it but in a bloody cryptic way: thank you for showing me all the pain, the eyes of serious self inquiry, the inner hurt and infinite universal sadness, the triggers deep down between bliss and honey-like thoughts: sometimes the space between it all is an escape from what is really there. Maybe I never really loved myself, Maybe because of that part of me died a long hard death that I never really mourned. Resting there are the dream-like dreams, the never ending rains; the welling hurt, the thousands of tears deep inside. And somewhere there's gossamer like threads hanging, as if you're part of me and you awakened the me I never loved. And if that's true, somewhere in all of this I'm learning to let go of trying to let go, Trying to hold on to loving everything without needing love back.

Here we are where we'd never thought we'd be, here where it doesn't feel like much a place to start from because we've already come so far, here sadly it's where we are now and yes I feel my life is completely different, here I've never felt such surreal, unbelievable universal change that I can't quite turn around. It reverberates right to the core of my soul, to the eternity that we always talked about, to the edges of the opportunities that we never quite got to and back to the unfounded beginnings that never quite got underway. Somehow this has to be a beginning, somehow there is a sad and hopeful opportunity in that. And then those new beginnings have to find the thread that lends itself to the deepest desire to slowly mend this in an open unrefined way. And that could mean I'll have to let go of it being in this life. So I trust in trust as I trust in the universe as a way to refeed the trust you've lost in me. It's scary for...

Ocean midst drips on everything, to old growth oaks, to stubby pines, bay laurel and tree ferns, all weighed down and ready to perk back up; It's not much different than our second trip to Maine and our departing day from the stormy Cape: All things can glisten with new dimensional perspective, reflect old points of happiness and then trail off in different ways. With a lonely Floridian cold, each turn hangs with little spanish moss, hangs like neverending waves, rolling white sand dunes and sparsely scattered beach grass swaying with the wind: In whatever distance we create, there remains our lifelines, our escapes inside each other, our fordged renewal and compromise - An unrelenting balance of universal tow, speed-up and slow-down; Here, from tinges of sadness, to footsteps facing conflicting directions, from scattered sea shells and waves of reflection, from Anastasia to home, There's still a huge a part of you that will always be with me.

There's a warmth in this cold, anticipation ringing clear, our future glistening on tips of melting buds: a rustling urgency, a fanning love; and beneath it all there's you: your heart wildly beating in candace with mine, drumming the vibrations of all I see, driving the motions for all I do: Nothing ever been this clear before, so ripe ready and restless: We're bursting with the linear nature of time; It's not long until you'll be infinitely mine.

The cold wind howls: Eventually I'll take you with me - not part by part, but completely. The dry air slowly creeping: My heart is dying to sweep you away - not into my life, but into the openness of love. It's the sounds of dissolution: It's not you or me: patience is embracing trustful freedom - the lion and the Tigress becoming one. Where the shadows once lurked there's a bright Sun: You're my home, the other half of my soul; we've been dancing all along, hearts intertwined with un-abandoned love. and where the moon used to hide there's an un-clouding sky: Finally come home: It's not really two worlds but one; you're already here together we'll just fall, purely open, definitely certain of this journey, purely perfected in our love.

I'll lead our ship across vast cosmos of unknown you, my tigress, supporting me your tigress-ness desirously clinging to my Viking-ry: A certitude to enter godly domains strength to conquer, to merge two burning flames, new destinies unfolding as we pass over dreamy ecstatic waves, Able to traverse anything with our passionatetly inspiring embrace

Through empty space it passes, trees starkly naked in it's eternal majesty; it's reflected light from another time, new beginnings burning ancient wisdom, hardened memories reaching out to departing clouds; I'm suddenly grounded in this place of silently sad music, a calm, poised energy settling in as I surrender to the greatness of all that is.

let's tighten the space in openness like rays of sun let future become present like melting drops of ice transform past into fluid new like these burning colors these dancing leaves like a heart wildly calm burning furiously for home let's come home again to solid love

There's illusion in all we do unintended expectations a biting pretext of a future trying to be more clear: I can not see you there, and that's okay; abstracted notions of love are something we'll keep leaving behind and the more unclear it becomes, the more we embrace a predetermined context that will hold us dearly close - two slices of eternity merging at the crossroads of infinite love; And we're getting closer to that point, a point that carries on a point that births the rest of time And I'll let you go Over and over until we're finally at that point of truly unconditioned love **** I'm uprooting you from my mind, all those mistaken connections found in your arms all those frenzied romantic moments dulled by the wayside the magic of a transcended intimacy a chemical sensation of timeless love a kind of trap a kind of blind to empty holes and guarded lies and some of the roots go so deep, I'm still yanking at the mistak...

Twilight becomes daylight, from damp fields - fog of never here nor there, ghostly future impressions, spiderwebs holding onto hopeful promises of distant conversations; It's shimmering expectation, a romanticized past that beats on as we drive down the side of winding roads: To see there is nothing to see; to expect there is nothing to expect - like the wet, mirrored leaves, love is just a reflection letting go in all directions

It's hard to know when to leave when to break free from the sensualizing ropes that pull us so close we never want to let go like demigods, our glistening blindfolds of pleasure have been set up lost in the space that blurs the lines of where we really are and how expansive this has all become the blissful opening of heart chakras that will never come undone together we'll stand strong find a place in between the smiling sun and winking comforts of the tempting stars it's all just borrowed time and when we realize it's the thread of who we really are, we'll walk that fine line guided only by our hearts, certain our love will evolve

And I'll drift in like faint fires of eternity burning in us for so long like an alluring primordial glow like karmic winds igniting an ever expansive romance we've always known There my eyes will shimmer inside yours And look back out with a new intrepid hope we'll re-explore the depths of each other, embraced by the scared depths of the world I'll be there by the pond reflecting the willow tree The wordless rock of reason Emboldened by your enchanting charms

All of a sudden I see you in abstracted peripherals of my future, a strange prescriptive growing from these alluring wonderings: whatever it is, we've always been it, anchored in each other's arms, singing scared notes of our past lives; It's so comforting to find you here - A magnetized spiral attraction where we'll always be.

I loved you too much to love you in the mellow way you needed to be loved; I held on too tight to be able to see the hollow point of your heart, gasping for space, bending from the excessive weight I instilled in simple things; And I depended on you too much for the cute, crazed thai girl that you are, and forgot to be  your splendid, carefree soldier,  your messai of new and exciting things: If only I could have loved you like you said: “Not TOOOO much! but for a very long time.”

We never should've hung pictures up like stars of hope on lonely closet doors like two galaxies spinning around farther and farther out forever lost in the disjointed space we've become

My mind is strapped in a spiderwebbed straight jacket spun cunningly by the night sky’s gossamer factories of vexing thoughts and indecision, like beckoning black holes of space my aura has been etched with the continual failing signs of darkening midnight blue: this, my life, many colliding mistakes; so, like the ever expanding universe, at some point I must stop, let the imposing forces of the implicate order slow me down; shrink and collapse, let my life explode, into another ontological world.

We'll climb up, past these rooftops and listen to the world scream at us from below; we'll go on and on and on, past the haughty highways and meadows turned to gold, above the forested hilltops and sky-high canopy of dreams, crooning with birds: an owl's lulling cry, along with a solemn goodnight, as we forever sleep above the deep safety of the wolves