Nathaniel T. Hughes

Fuck you Mars. And I really mean it but in a bloody cryptic way: thank you for showing me all the pain, the eyes of serious self inquiry, the inner hurt and infinite universal sadness, the triggers deep down between bliss and honey-like thoughts: sometimes the space between it all is an escape from what is really there. Maybe I never really loved myself, Maybe because of that part of me died a long hard death that I never really mourned. Resting there are the dream-like dreams, the never ending rains; the welling hurt, the thousands of tears deep inside. And somewhere there's gossamer like threads hanging, as if you're part of me and you awakened the me I never loved. And if that's true, somewhere in all of this I'm learning to let go of trying to let go, Trying to hold on to loving everything without needing love back.

Here we are where we'd never thought we'd be, here where it doesn't feel like much a place to start from because we've already come so far, here sadly it's where we are now and yes I feel my life is completely different, here I've never felt such surreal, unbelievable universal change that I can't quite turn around. It reverberates right to the core of my soul, to the eternity that we always talked about, to the edges of the opportunities that we never quite got to and back to the unfounded beginnings that never quite got underway. Somehow this has to be a beginning, somehow there is a sad and hopeful opportunity in that. And then those new beginnings have to find the thread that lends itself to the deepest desire to slowly mend this in an open unrefined way. And that could mean I'll have to let go of it being in this life. So I trust in trust as I trust in the universe as a way to refeed the trust you've lost in me. It's scary for